


It All Started With Paint Spatters

by Dark Star Of Chaos (DarkDecepticon)



Category: Transformers Generation One
Genre: Drunken Shenanigans, Gen, Humor, Mischief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-11-13 01:40:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18022388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkDecepticon/pseuds/Dark%20Star%20Of%20Chaos
Summary: Soundwave doesn't get paid enough to deal with this faction.





	It All Started With Paint Spatters

Normally, finding the rec room in a state of disarray first thing in the morning meant someone had been fighting in the middle of the night.

That a large swath of one wall had been messily painted in blotches of red, green and yellow proved this situation wasn't normal.

Soundwave took a moment to survey the wreckage of tables and chairs and paint splatters, then raised a hand to his shoulder.

"Rumble, Frenzy: eject."

The twin Cassettes obediently emerged from his chest - albeit with much grumbling - to transform in front of him.

"What gives?" Rumble protested. "I was recharg- oh."

He and Frenzy looked around themselves, radiating impressed amusement and innocence. Whether they actually  _were_  innocent was another matter entirely.

"Explain," Soundwave ordered, and the amusement melted away into indignation.

"What are you blaming us for?" Frenzy demanded. "We didn't do anything!"

"Yeah, we were docked all night!" Rumble added.

This was true. And the rec room had been in one piece when Soundwave returned to his quarters the night before. Nevertheless, he was suspicious. He bent quickly, gathering a twin in each arm before they could react.

"Woah, hey! Put us down!"

"This is embarrassing!"

Soundwave ignored the squirming and protests and strode from the room, not letting them down even when they entered the Command Center and found Ramjet and Brawl loudly exchanging insults. The two were surrounded by the rest of the Coneheads and Combaticons, several of whom were cheering on their respective teammate. A quick glance showed that Onslaught was the highest ranking mech in the room, and he was watching the brewing fight with clear boredom. Soundwave would have to take care of this too, then.

"Ramjet, Brawl: cease antagonism," he ordered, adjusting his grip on his wriggling creations. "Swindle: cease taking bets on the outcome."

"Hey, that hurts," Swindle said. "I'd never take bets on a sure thing."

"Yeah, we all know Brawl can take this loser apart," Vortex chimed in. "We're betting on how  _long_  it takes."

"Details: irrelevant. Further fighting will be punished."

Soundwave ignored the grumbling from both groups and deposited Rumble and Frenzy in front of the bank of monitors. Within moments he had pulled up visuals from the security cameras and located yesterday's footage for the rec room. The twins fidgeted as he forwarded through it, but when Soundwave found the recording of the room's destruction, Rumble and Frenzy weren't the ones on screen.

"Primus, what happened to them?" Thrust laughed. "They look overenergized!"

The Stunticons did, indeed, appear as though someone had introduced them to hi-grade. The recording was silent, but no sound was needed to appreciate the carnage unfolding. An uncoordinated Drag Strip taunted an even more wobbly Motormaster, instigating a fight that destroyed furniture more by accident than design. Behind them, Wildrider proved to have been the "artist" responsible for the wall, which he painted - literally - with his own hands. Dead End and Breakdown huddled in the dubious safety of a fallen table, the latter sprawled across the former's legs. Breakdown seemed to have passed out, but Dead End stared into a half cube of energon, swirling it slowly.

"See? Told ya we didn't do it," Rumble said, though he sounded more gleeful than defensive. "Look at those idiots!"

"Where would they have gotten hi-grade?" Onslaught asked, only moderately more interested in this than he had been in the aborted fight. "Do they even know what it is?"

"Unlikely," Soundwave replied. Onscreen, Wildrider turned away from his masterpiece to slump against the freshly vandalized wall, taking a swig from the paint can he was holding.

"So much for that one," Blast Off said.

Soundwave dismissed the recording. "Rumble, Frenzy: return."

"We were watching that!" Frenzy protested.

Soundwave simply looked at them. After a brief staredown they grudgingly obeyed, and Soundwave strode from the room without a backward glance.

* * *

As Soundwave had expected, all five Stunticons had been admitted into the med bay early that morning, after Dead End finally found the sense to comm Hook and explain that they had been "poisoned".

"His words," Hook said with a nod at the mech in question, who was laid out on a berth. "Fortunately for them, they didn't drink enough to damage their systems. Though we did have to pump Wildrider's tanks."

Soundwave regarded the felled Gestalt. Motormaster was hidden away in the med bay's small shower, where he had apparently been purging on and off for the last couple hours, but the others were present; in body if not necessarily mind. Dead End was the only one who could be reasonably be called awake, having drunk less than the rest of them had. Breakdown, radiating pain and misery, was curled into his side, thermal blanket pulled over his head to block out the light. The remaining two, very much the worse for wear after the self-destructive activities of the night before, were expected to sleep off their hangovers.

Soundwave felt sorry for them. He was fairly certain no one had ever bothered to tell them what hi-grade was and what it did, and while consuming strange fuel hadn't been smart, there was no doubt that they were suffering for it.

The mech who had given it to them would soon be doing the same, if Soundwave had anything to say about it.

He approached Dead End's berth, prompting a groan from the blanket-lump, which attempted to burrow under Dead End's arm. Dead End sighed, turning his face from the ceiling to focus on Soundwave.

"Look at that," he said, slurring ever so slightly. "High Command cares about us after all."

Soundwave chose to ignore the sarcasm. "Query: what happened?"

"Someone tried to kill us," Dead End said. "Probably the Combaticons. Or the Seekers. Could have been anyone, really. This ship is full of crazies."

"Stunticons: not poisoned," Soundwave corrected. "Symptoms are caused by overconsumption of hi-grade. Recovery will not take long."

"That's what Hook said," Dead End said. "But he's part of an inferior Gestalt, so I have my doubts. Could be jealous."

It was entirely possible that Dead End wasn't properly sober yet. It would be best to keep this brief.

"Where did the hi-grade come from?"

"Our quarters. Someone just left it there, hoping we'd drink it."

"Which you did," Hook grumbled from the foot of the berth. "Has no one ever told you not to drink fuel if you don't know where it came from?"

"No," Dead End said simply.

"Was there any clue to who left it?" Soundwave asked.

"Only that the room was locked."

Breakdown whimpered. Dead End absently draped an arm over the lump.

"Wildrider tried it first," he continued. "While Drag Strip and Motormaster argued about where it came from. Didn't kill him, so we all tried it. I didn't like it. Not sure if the others did either, but no one was going to admit it."

"I didn't," Breakdown put in, muffled by the blanket. "Kinda felt good, though. Not caring what anyone else thought."

Soundwave made a mental note to keep Breakdown away from hi-grade in the future. The Stunticons were unstable enough without adding substance abuse to the mix.

"The room was locked," he repeated. "Did you leave it that way?"

"Yeah. Not like we have much to steal, but you never know," Dead End said.

Hi-grade energon left inside a locked room. Skywarp was an immediate suspect, but all of the High Command - and by extension, the Cassettes - had the key codes to every room on base. Add the fact that only one officer was likely to be involved in this, and that he was one of only three mechs on base who even knew how to make hi-grade, and the suspects had just narrowed to four.

Soundwave turned to Hook. "Has Mixmaster distilled any hi-grade recently?"

Hook scoffed. "The Constructicons don't squander our rations by making hi-grade any time we feel like it. It's special occasions only, and there's been nothing to celebrate in months."

Soundwave had expected that answer. But he certainly hadn't made any, and barring trade with Cybertron, that left only one possible source.

* * *

"Starscream. A word."

"Scram," Starscream said without turning away from Skywarp, who was perched on a table in the middle of his Trineleader's lab. "Skywarp, stop squirming."

"I can't help it, it hurts," Skywarp complained. He tried to pull away from Starscream, who kept a firm grip on whatever limb he had hold of.

"It'll hurt less once the acid is nullified. Now sit  _still_."

Soundwave couldn't tell what was going on with Starscream's wings in the way, and he wasn't sure he wanted to know. "Starscream," he repeated.

"I'm  _busy_ , Soundwave," Starscream snapped, pausing just long enough to throw a hostile glance over his shoulder. "I'm sure you can handle whatever new madness has overtaken this faction without me."

Rather than reply, Soundwave took a moment to consider Skywarp, who was glaring at him over Starscream's wing. If he was the one who had planted the hi-grade in the Stunticons' quarters, Soundwave might very well have both culprits right there in front of him.

"Query: what happened to Skywarp?"

"Nothing he didn't deserve," Starscream muttered.

Skywarp made a face. "I didn't knock it over on purpose!"

"But you  _were_  messing with things I told you not to touch," Starscream shot back. "If you had listened to me-"

Soundwave regretted asking. But letting them argue would be a waste of time, so he steeled himself to interrupt once more. "Have either of you been in possession of hi-grade recently?"

Both Seekers looked at him, Starscream scowling, Skywarp carefully blank.

"Why? Is it a prohibited substance now?" Starscream asked.

"Suggestion: don't avoid the question."

Starscream made a scathing noise and turned back to what he was doing. "So what if I make it occasionally? Skywarp and Thundercracker drink most of it."

"Only because Thundercracker won't let you have very much at a time!" Skywarp said defensively. "Besides, I didn't even keep most of the last batch!"

He snapped his mouth shut and glared at Soundwave. "Why do you want to know?"

"Someone left hi-grade in the Stunticons' quarters yesterday."

"Let me guess, they drank it and wrecked the place," Starscream said. "If you didn't want that to happen, someone should have  _told_  them about hi-grade instead of waiting for them to discover it."

"It was planted for them to find," Soundwave persisted.

Skywarp leaned in to brace an elbow on Starscream's shoulder, earning a spluttered curse. "Much as I'd have loved to see the wheel-bound nutjobs get drunk, I didn't do it. I gave that energon to Swindle."

"Why would you do that?" Starscream demanded, shoving Skywarp off.

"Well, he came to me first," Skywarp said, easily recovering his balance. " _He's_  the one who wanted the stuff, I just got it for him."

Starscream shook his head. "I hope you had the sense to get something good for it."

Skywarp shot a meaningful look in Soundwave's direction. "'course I did. I'm not stupid."

Starscream finally turned to face Soundwave. "There, you got your answer. Was there something else, or will you be leaving now?"

Soundwave was tempted to stick around and find out what Skywarp had gotten out of the bargain, but he had an investigation to finish, so it could be dealt with later. With any luck Starscream would do his job and confiscate whatever it was if Skywarp wasn't supposed to have it, though that was probably a foolish hope. Soundwave mentally added it to his to-do list and left to track down Swindle.

* * *

"We said ten seconds," Blast Off said impatiently. "That was seven. That's close enough to count."

"See, if time was all you bet on, I'd agree with you," Swindle said. "But you also said Brawl would win by a knockout, and Ramjet is still moving."

"I cannot believe I'm wasting my talents on any of you," Hook said as he examined Ramjet, who lay groaning on the floor.

Soundwave took in the Command Center - and the very obvious aftermath of a fight - with a glance, then homed in on Swindle, who looked suddenly nervous.

"Oh, Soundwave, hey. So I know you said no betting and no fighting, but these guys all insisted, and, well... Who am I to deny mechs a bit of fun?"

"You purchased hi-grade from Skywarp," Soundwave cut in.

Swindle paused. "Could be," he admitted. "Like I said, if mechs want a good time-"

Soundwave stepped right up to him, looming silently until he shifted and reset his vocalizer.

"So I guess you want to know who I sold it to, huh?"

Soundwave nodded.

* * *

"This is stupid!" Frenzy complained. "The Stunticons made the mess, why do we gotta clean it up?"

"Stunticons: young," Soundwave said, setting a bucket of anti-corrosive solvent on the floor between his creations. "You took advantage of that."

"No one said they had to drink it," Frenzy muttered. "Not our fault they're crazy."

"It was worth it, though," Rumble said, tilting his head to study the blobby mural on the rec room wall. "Hey, Frenzy, any guesses what this is supposed to be? Kinda looks like Autobots racing."

Soundwave pointedly added a handful of washrags to the bucket. "Remove it."

"Okay, okay…"

Soundwave moved away as the twins set to work, turning a critical optic on the rest of the room. With Rumble and Frenzy, Skywarp, the Coneheads, and the Combaticons all working on it, and assuming minimal fighting occurred, the mess wouldn't take more than an hour or two to clean. A pity, since that meant the collective troublemakers would be free sooner.

"Soundwave, come on!" Swindle called. "I told you what you wanted to know, I deserve  _some_  leniency!"

Soundwave ignored him, instead crossing the room to where Skywarp, watched by Starscream, was trying to fit parts from two different chairs together.

"I still don't get why I'm being punished and you're not," Skywarp huffed.

"Because making hi-grade isn't against the rules," Starscream said, leaning against an unsullied wall. "I'm not responsible for what you did with it once you had it."

"Oh. I thought it was because you outrank Soundwave."

Starscream smirked. "Well, there  _is_  that."

"Query," Soundwave cut in. "Is Thundercracker aware that you've been making hi-grade without his approval?"

Starscream's expression morphed into narrow-opticked suspicion. "Are you seriously threatening to tell him? You  _do_  know I outrank him too."

"Affirmative. However, he still has influence on you."

"He does  _not_ -"

"Kinda does," Skywarp muttered. Starscream glared at him.

"Suggestion: cease enabling bad behaviors," Soundwave said, and moved on before Starscream could retaliate.

He knew his threat wouldn't work twice - Starscream would tell Thundercracker himself before he would let Soundwave blackmail him - but it would have the desired outcome either way. All that was left to do now was check on the Stunticons' recovery, inform Megatron that the younglings needed a proper education, check back on what Skywarp got from Swindle, and rearrange the schedules so that the bored soldiers would be kept occupied.

Perhaps he would clear out an hour or two on his own schedule while he was at it. Whether the Decepticons could manage without him that long was debatable, but after the day this had so far been, it was a chance he was willing to take.

A crash followed by a litany of curses sounded behind him, and he decided to make it three hours.


End file.
